Be careful what you pray for.

Here I am. 56 years old.  I finally get to stay home and not work a paying job.  I have dreamed of this my entire adult life.  I have all my basic needs met and can work on any projects I have ever imagined.  I found God’s gift of a husband at 53 and spend every day in gratitude for God’s provision of my heart’s desire.  But.  We are spending our days worrying about our 6 kids, and their 13 kids.  Both of us are in recovery for being codependent with our adult children. Specifically, one family seems to be falling apart at the loosely sewn seams. We fear the children are the biggest losers in the situation and I find myself praying, fussing, sharing, ranting, all about the innocent children caught in the firestorm of the unhealthy marriage.  So, here I am, now living with my oldest step daughter and her 3 young children.  I am cleaning up after messy kids and a messy adult, communicating with teachers, packing lunches, taking to appointments and arriving at church events angry, frustrated and looking like a mad woman, literally and figuratively.  I realize I have prayed for rain and now spend my time complaining about the mud.  I now spend my days coming up with ideas of how to motivate young children to comply with basic structure and my house rules.  Don’t they know how hard it was for me to get my new husband’s house in order and all freshly painted after his wife had been so sick with leukemia for 3 years before she died?  Don’t they know how I have waited my whole life to be a full time homemaker creating a beautiful home that is organized and attractive for “company”?  Don’t they know how I have always wanted to write a book and this is the perfect time of my life to write this book that will enlighten so many?  I am tired, I am angry with their mother for everything she has ever done wrong, I am overwhelmed with how little I get done now on my personal agenda.  I do well to get my husband and I’s laundry done each week, let alone prepare attractive healthy meals that are beautiful to Instagram.  We have found ourselves eating hot dogs and being grateful for them on some days. Ugh. I realize how all of this sounds.  How ironic my situation is. All I keep hearing in my head is “when you pray about a problem, you may be part of the solution.” I also keep remembering how I was a single parent once, and how awkward it was when I moved back in with my parents.  I remember how angry my mom always seemed to be with me and I was oblivious.  I was doing everything I knew to do, and yet she seemed to be watching me always noticing what I wasn’t doing.  Ahhhh….now I understand why she would “over react” with me and she seemed to be so angry with me all the time.  She had a list of expectations for me and I wasn’t meeting them yet she didn’t ever share the list with me. I couldn’t win. I had no idea what was important to her in that situation so I couldn’t comply. This time, we are using a family counselor and she is guiding us to have weekly meetings where we can communicate expectations and work together on the primary goal.  Helping her get back out there as an independent adult.

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